I just got this from my mom:
My heartfelt appreciation goes out to all of you
who have taken the time and trouble to send me
"forwards" over the past 12 months.
Thank you for making me feel safe,
secure, Blessed, and wealthy.
Extra thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat
crap in the glue on envelopes cause I now have to
go get a wet towel every time I need to seal
an envelope.
Also, I scrub the top of every can I open for the
same reason. Because of your concern I no
longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove
toilet bowl stains.
I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the
people who make these products are atheists
who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.
I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave
because it causes cancer.
I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because
I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even
though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone
might drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
I no longer receive packages from nor send
packages by UPS or FedEx since they are
actually Al Qaeda in disguise.
I no longer answer the phone because someone will
ask me to dial a number for which I will get a
phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda,
Singapore, and Uzbekistan.
I no longer eat KFC because their "chickens" are
actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will
change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.
I no longer have to buy expensive cookies from
Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.
I no longer worry about my soul because at last
count I have 363,214 angels looking out for me.
Thanks to you, I have learned that God only
answers (much less listens to) my prayers if I forward
an e-mail to seven of my friends and
make a wish within five minutes.
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to
a sick girl who is about to die in the hospital
(for the 1,387,258th time).
I no longer have any money at all - but that will
change once I receive the $15,000 that Microsoft
and AOL are sending me for participating in their
special email program.
Yes, I want to thank you so much for looking out
for me that I will now return the favor!
If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in
the next 7 minutes, a large pigeon with a wicked case of
diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM (EDT) this
afternoon. I know this will occur because it actually happened
to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second
husband's cousin's beautician and her husband who is an attorney.
